Want to learn more about your child's love language?

Rashiecoats*, Kate Leiper, artist and illustrator. Leiper says:

“From as early as I can remember, I loved drawing; I might have forgotten to have breakfast or put on my shoes, but I never ventured anywhere without a pack of crayons and scraps of paper.”

I individually ask preschool-aged children, “Do you feel that your Mom (Dad) loves you?” “Yes!” each child exclaims. “How do you know? What does your Mom (Dad) do that makes you feel loved?” 

“She helps me and takes good care of me.”

“She reads me stories.”

“She kisses me, and when Dad hugs me.”

“He says he loves me.”

“At bedtime she says, ‘Goodnight, Daddy and I love you.’”

“Papa loves me because he cleans with me. Mom takes me to school and picks me up.”

“Dad takes me to the park and Mom cooks for me and all that.”

“Because she puts make-up on me and because Dad plays with me.”

I ask to see what children say about their parents’ expressions of love. Their responses fit into Gary Chapman’s five love language categories. He says the value of discovering your child’s primary love language is that “it gives you the most effective means of communicating emotional love.”

Gary Chapman wrote The Five Love Languages to help couples develop stronger relationships by teaching them to speak each other’s love language. The languages are five basic categories: words of affirmation, gifts, acts of service, physical touch, and quality time. Most people like love expressed in all five ways, though we usually have one or two preferences. The idea is that if I know how a loved one best feels love, I can choose to express my love in that way.

I wonder about my preferred expression. My husband gives me gifts, writes sweet Aspects of Susan notes, takes me to museums, and cuddles me often. However, I feel especially loved by him when he works in the garden with me, goes to the grocery store for me, or makes me a nice dinner (acts of service). My husband feels especially loved when I write my feelings to him (words of affirmation). 

Each child, too, expresses love through different communication styles and later Chapman collaborated with Ross Campbell, MD to write The 5 Love Languages of Children.

Want to discover more about your child's communication style? Here is some information to get you started.

Ask: 

Parent:  “Do you feel that I love you?”

Child:  “Yes!”

Parent:  “How do you know? What do I do that makes you feel loved?”

Words of Affirmation: (encouragement; affirmation)  “I know my mom and dad love me because they cheer for me when I play ball, and after the game they say 'Nice job, you did your best.'”

Gifts: (given with heart)  “I know my dad loves me because he bought me this stuffed lion when he was on his trip.”

Acts of Service: (doing what is best for another)  “I know my mom loves me because she sews the buttons on my shirt when they fall off and also helps me with my homework.”

Physical Touch: (hugs and holding) “I know my mommy loves me because she cuddles me every night.”

Quality Time: (undivided attention; doing something together) “I know my mom loves me. She comes to my soccer games.”

Some examples of the many ways to convey the different love languages:

Words of Affirmation: Words of affection and endearment, words of encouragement that convey care. “I love you, I love sitting next to you, or I notice that you smile and say nice things to your friends.”

Gifts:  Give a gift with an affirming statement. “I missed you while I was gone, so I brought you something I thought you might like.”

Physical Touch: Hugs and kisses, holding hands, or holding a young child on your lap are examples.

Quality Time: When parents (one at a time) provide undivided attention by reading a story, taking a bike ride or walk, or doing something the child would like to do.

General Comments

Observe how your child expresses love to you. 
Observe how your child expresses love to others. 
Listen to what your child requests most often. 
Notice what your child most frequently complains about. 
Give your child a choice between two options such as: Would you like me to make you a fruit salad (acts of service) or for us to take a walk in the park (quality time)?  Would you rather wrestle (physical touch) or read a story together (quality time)? While I am out of town, would you rather I bring you a present (gift) or write a poem for you  (words of affirmation)?  
If a parent says, “I will give you an ice cream if you clean your room,” this is payment for a service, not gift.

Gary Chapman, The Five Love Languages, Chicago:  Northfield Publishing, 1995.

Gary Chapman and Ross Campbell, MD, Chicago: Northfield Publishing, 1997.

*Rashiecoats is the name of the main character in a Scottish Cinderella story of the same name. However, Rashiecoats does not include glass slippers, a pumpkin coach, step-sisters, or fairy godmothers. Rashiecoats is the daughter of a king. She is doomed to marry a man she does not love. Rashiecoats escapes the castle and sets out to find a husband she loves.

Gummy lumps, a spitball necklace, and chasing children

Interpreter, mixed technique, 2004

Jüri Mildeberg is a famous Estonian painter, graphic artist, and illustrator. 

I cannot imagine a nicer start to my day. 

On my morning walk, I stop by Starr’s House. I walk up the driveway and hear laughter and activity. The children are outside playing in the yard. It’s fall. The light is warm and whispy clouds dart across the sky. Leaves dance in a breeze that will usher in cooler temperatures tomorrow.

I open the gate and the minute we make eye contact, the children call, “Chase me Susan!” So I do. Turn by turn I chase each child. Then Elijah shouts, “I’m chasing you,” and again I run.

I usually visit on Thursdays and today is Friday. I’m here to drop off their interview project. The interview is a series of several questions. Here’s one:

“What is one of the best things about you?” 

They said:

“That my Daddy loves me and I play a lot.”


“I help make pumpkin muffins.”

“My cheeks are soft. I’m soft.”

“My Grandma loves me.”

“Well, I can color, I can dress up, and I can catch butterflies without hurting them.”

“I’m a fast runner and I can climb trees.”

I take away from the interview experience how much children live in the moment and find joy in the gifts found in any day. The responses provide an opportunity to spend time looking at life from their view. Asking a question, then quieting myself to pay attention. Listening takes effort. When I do, it is a valuable gift to the children and me.

The children will give their parents the interview and a bracelet of beads they strung. I call the gift a gummy lump. 

Gummy lumps are any gifts made and given by a child to a loved one. 

This morning I pulled out a gummy lump made by my son. It's a spitball necklace. I am not making that up. I'm wearing it in memory of his birthday which is today. (He passed on.) I remember when he was the age of the kids I ran with this morning and the terrific, funny and fun things he said and did, much like what I experience at Starr’s House each week.

The spitball necklace! 

He made it when he was a student at Center Montessori School in Bradenton, Florida. His teacher, Missy Eckenrod, took a not-so-positive activity and turned it into this treasured object. That was 32 years ago. 

(This post was published November 9, 2012.)

Kids wish on monarch milkweed seeds

Carolyn Digby Conahan, illustrator. Find her book here - The Big Wish.

Questions and conversation about the wasp last week lead to talk about butterflies, the milkweed they eat as caterpillars and later sip as nectar, and monarch migration, which is happening right now.

After spotting two monarchs overhead, we sit outside in the garden. I hold up a tufted seed from a milkweed pod and ask, “What is this?” They know it’s a milkweed seed. I ask why the seed is attached to a fluffy part.

“To fly!”

“Why does it fly?” I ask.

“To go to someone else’s yard.”

I nod agreement and add, “You can make a wish if you catch one of these seeds floating in the air. What would you wish?”

“I wish I can jump and touch the leaves on that tree (pointing to a nearby tree).”

“I wish I had a bird in my hands.”

“I wish that the grass I wanted to be short would magically be short.”

“I wish for a big kid story.”

"I wish to hold a cat."

“I wish I could ride on a unicorn.”

“I wish I had an elephant in my pocket.”

“I wish for pink flowers everywhere.”

“I wish I was that leaf (a leaf is floating down from a tree).”

“I wish tomatoes talked to me.”

“I wish I can wash dishes faster.”

I ask children questions with curiosity and wonder about how they see the world. I’m surprised by their wishes. Twice while asking I say, “You can wish for anything.”

I take the seed and blow it away with their wishes. 

Then I read aloud The Big Wish, a story about a yard full of dandelions and a girl who believes in the power of a wish.