"How can you soften a mad-feeling face?" I ask. "Sing the chicken song," says Abby.

Hazel Terry

 Mom, artist, and faculty member at Adams Smith College, Scotland. 

Find her blog.

I remember the first time I really became aware of how I carry my troubles around with me. I was upset and my husband asked, “Are you mad?” The question startled me.

“No,” I replied, “No, I’m fine!” 

He looked at me and said, “Well, you might want to tell your face.” 

That experience is an example that encouraged me to teach emotion awareness and feeling vocabulary to the children in my class (3 to 6-year-olds). I realized how helpful it is to recognize feelings in ourselves as a first step to noticing these same feelings in others, which is a step towards understanding empathy and later, compassion.
 
During circle, I told the kids that when I was upset and having uncomfortable feelings, I happened to see my face in a mirror. I said, "My face looked hard like the sidewalk. My eyes were squinted, and there was a deep line on my forehead and between my eyes.”  

I then asked a few questions about their experience with feelings. “Children, how do you know when you're upset?”

“I start yelling or crying."

“My heart beats fast.”

“My hands are fists like fighting.”

“My stomach has a cramp.”

“I'm like I stepped in dog poop.”

“I kick a stone.”

“I bite my brother.”

I complimented their personal awareness. Then I wondered out loud, “What are some things we can do to calm the upset?"

"Count to ten."

“Run around your bedroom.”

“Think the opposite of mad.”

“Tell the trouble doll why you're mad.”

“Get the clay and squeeze it hard.”

“Breathe in and out.”

"Tell your mouth to laugh."

“Sing the Chicken Song.”

“Wiggle your nose.”

“Imagine ice cream for dessert.”

“Pretend a butterfly lands on you.”

“Say hello to Carly (the pet hamster).”

“Do big eyes.”

I paused and then said that it seemed like they knew a lot about taking care of their feelings instead of pretending the feelings are not inside of their bodies. I ended by saying that I notice that my feelings pass quicker if I let myself feel hurt if it comes, sad, frustrated, nervous, or angry.

Abby said, “I like when mommy holds me and my feelings.”

(Dublin Montessori Academy, about 2007)

NOTES

I learned more about softening my face in Pema Chödrön’s book, When Things Fall Apart. My son had just died and I was aware that my feelings were so painful that I could feel myself harden and begin to isolate from others. 

Chödrön says about softening, “It involves learning to relax and allowing ourselves to move gently toward what scares us. The trick to doing this is to stay with emotional distress…to let fear soften us rather than harden into resistance.” She explains that when we can do this, we connect to all others who share a similar experience.

Putting gaps in our emotional difficulty by looking up at the sky on a walk or with laughter or song are Chödrön's practical suggestions.  

Living in wonder, when kids go out for recess

Living in the Wonder, artist Lori Portka

I am on the playground with preschool children. It is late spring (2005). A week of rain makes the grass thickly lush. I check for puddles, mainly muddy ones, and discover it’s dry enough to play outside. I wave to my team teacher to let her know. 

We can play outside! We offer encouragement as the children pass through the classroom door to the sunshine.

“Have fun!”

“Use your running skills.”

“Give your play 100%.”

“Balance with full attention.”

“Yell as loud as you want.”

“Use your bird-watching skills.”

“Rake with joyful rhythm.”

“Breathe deeply.”

“Let your eyes chase the clouds.”

“Jump your highest.”

“Practice your friendship skills.”

She gives as many affirmations as there are children. 

They walk on a sidewalk adjacent to a large asphalted space reserved for bouncing balls, jumping rope, chalk drawing, and bike riding before they reach the grass. When they reach the grass, they run.

They run with abandon. Their faces have in-the-moment, whimsical expressions. 

Some children run straight at me and hug my legs.

Deena says to some of the younger kids, “Let’s be a family.  Do you want to go to the grocery store?” They pretend they have grocery carts and gallop to a maple tree, which she’s designated as the store.

Max holds a soccer ball while running to the soccer field and invites, “Who wants to be a goalie?” 

Anna and Brenna hold hands, “Brenna, do you want to chase me?” and Brenna does. Off they run!

I notice Safia. She raises her arms above her head and quickly flings them down, hands on the grass as her legs fly up in a handstand. She does this again and again, pausing briefly to look up and spin a half circle before repeating the process. I watch her smile. I think about how I spend time early in the morning training my mind to be present in life, like Safia's expressions. Her delight brings happiness. 

Deena, Max, Anna, Brenna. They are smiling and happy.

After watching the children, I let their smiles turn the edges of my mouth up slightly. This relaxes the over 300 muscles in my face. I soften and feel myself take a deep breath. 

I recall Thich Nhat Hanh’s (Thay's) words, “Our smile will bring happiness to us and to those around us. Even if we spend a lot of money on gifts for everyone in our family, nothing we buy could give them as much happiness as the gift of our awareness, our smile (Peace is Every Step, 6).” 

NOTES
Children have a breadth of experience on the playground, a place where they practice relating to what's before them. Children also sometimes argue, cry, fight, and express feelings. I notice how attentive they are to these experiences as well. Open and attentive. Curious, in a gradual walk toward wonder.

Creating policy in a pre-school classroom

Molly, self-portrait, 3 years, Dublin Montessori Academy

(Establishing guidelines or limits with children is an introductory lesson in kindness and an experiment in creating classroom policy. Limits are easier to create than implement. I'm learning that the best way to move this theory-type talk to practice is to include the children in establishing these early life policies. Post written, June 2012)

During morning circle, I begin by asking what things we can do in our classroom and at school to take care of ourselves and others, and then as their ideas come forth, I ask them to wait so I can get a pencil and paper to write them on paper.

"Let's make a list of the things we each can do to care for ourselves, our friends, and our classroom. Then we can tape it to the wall to help us remember when we forget." 

I write using the words of the contributor. Both kids and adults contribute to the list. We say what we can do to support kindness and safety rather than use words like "no" or "don't."

Here is what was on our list at the beginning of the year.

WAYS TO BE KIND AND MAKE OUR SCHOOL SAFE (limits)

When you cough or sneeze, catch it in your hands and wash your hands with soap and water so the germs go down with the bubbles.

Be quiet around the animals because they have sensitive ears.

Be friendly.

Everything that comes out of your bottom goes into the toilet. If some misses and goes on the floor, clean it up with toilet paper.

Wash your hands after going to the bathroom.

f grass is under feet, run.

Walk on the blacktop.

Be quiet when sitting on circle.

Hands in lap so no one steps on them.

Be nice to friends.

Look someone in the eye and ask his name. Then shake his hand and have another friend.

Sit down and wait for your turn for the bike.

Walk up to someone and then talk.

When you take work off the shelf, take a picture in your brain so you can put it back.

Put away your work before taking more.

Take the necklace off the door knob and put it on before going into the bathroom.

If you see the necklace not on the bathroom door, wait until the person comes out because of privacy. 

Before hanging the list, I invite a vote of agreement to practice them. It's unanimous. The limits are hung on the wall at a child's eye level. We add to the list when we discover other ways to be kinder to ourselves and others.